Narcissism and Self-Love

An Era of Narcissism

　　Many people say that we live in an era of narcissism. In the English-speaking world, there is an idiom that aptly describes the current situation: “You do you.” This means that you follow your own unique path and do what you think is best and appropriate for you. While this may sound like an inspirational saying, it is actually highly problematic. Behind “you do you” lies a strong narcissistic mentality, which involves the question of ultimate personal authority: “Only I can decide everything!” Extreme examples of this sort would be: “When I want it all, I must have it now,” or “When we think they are unjust, we are right to be angry, even to the point of burning them down.”

　　In everyday life, narcissists abuse their “right to freedom.” They are arrogant and force others to acknowledge their supposed superiority. They bully others to achieve their goals, envy what others have, and try to destroy those whom they are jealous of. They disregard others, driven by their own desire for self-glorification. Hence, when we think of narcissism, we often associate it with grandiosity, an excessive need for admiration, an inflated sense of self, unsettling interpersonal relationships, and a lack of empathy.

　　In churches, we may come across some “diligent” narcissistic brothers and sisters. They constantly compare others, whether they are pastors or fellow believers, with a critical attitude, praising those who share their views while condemning those who disagree. They also like bullying others online, probably using social media to attack people by insulting, teasing, or spreading rumors, which leads to further malicious comments, insults, and personal attacks. Through such words, they attempt to demonstrate how great they are. Such inflated self-image often causes people to provoke and challenge one another, and incite mutual jealousy. Jealousy arises from comparing oneself to others, trying to compete with them, and even bearing grudges against them. When people let their anger grow unchecked, they eventually become controlled by it.

Two Types of Narcissism?

　　The term “narcissism” originates from the Roman poet Ovid (43 BC–AD 17) in his epic poem Metamorphoses. This work explores the relationships between humanity and nature, love and destruction, and gods and mortals. Metamorphoses tells the story of human history and the lives of the gods, from the creation of the world to the death of Julius Caesar. One of its famous stories is about Narcissus, which reveals the dangers of narcissism and the fragility of human emotions.

　　Narcissus was a handsome young man. One day, while hunting, he came to a pond where he saw his own reflection while drinking from it. He became deeply attracted to his own beauty and burned with love for himself. He was the one who fanned this flame of desire and subsequently bore the torture. Consumed in this hidden flame, he was unable to extricate himself. In this Greek myth, love turns inward, leading the protagonist down a path of self-destruction. “Narcissism” is defined as love turned inward, and this inward-directed self-love might destroy both oneself and others.

　　Modern psychologist Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) classified narcissism into two types in his paper “On Narcissism: An Introduction”: normal and pathological. According to Freud, normal narcissism is the natural state during infancy when the ego is first forming. At this stage, infants have legitimate needs, such as feeding and love. However, as people grow and interact more with the external world, they develop an ideal ego. When they meet the expectations of this ideal ego, the ego feels satisfied. As people continue to grow, they go through various psychosexual stages of human development and the energy libido, ^* originally directed inward to the ego, gradually flows outward toward external people and objects, reducing the extent of narcissism. Nevertheless, if this process is disrupted, such as when love-objects do not respond or trauma occurs, the libido that should be flowing outward flows inward to the ego instead, leading to pathological narcissism. For narcissists, the love-object is no longer an external person or object but plainly themselves. This is an abnormality.

The Fall and Narcissism

　　The renowned contemporary theologian Wolfhart Pannenberg (1928-2014) agreed with some of Freud’s assessments in his works Christian Spirituality and Sacramental Community (1984) and Anthropology in Theological Perspective (1985). On a natural level, narcissism is related to the “primary narcissistic pleasure ego of infancy.” He described this kind of narcissism as primary as it is related to a child’s legitimate need for well-being, which comes from a child’s instinctual need for preservation. For example, they cry for food until they are fed. However, Pannenberg questioned Freud’s view that the libidinous and aggressive features of primary narcissism in early infancy are normative and natural. He argued that narcissism is not a fundamental quality of human nature put there by God.

　　Pannenberg believed that when narcissism persists beyond infancy, it becomes abnormal in that the individual has an internal bellowing demand for self-security beyond genuine needs. Pannenberg believed this egocentricity arises from the Fall, which alienated humanity from God. Leaving God, humans no longer trust Him and become egocentric. Narcissistic people seek security in finite human existence rather than through their basic trust in God. This is the tragedy of humans after the Fall: people distrust God and rely on selfish self-preservation to maintain their own security. This is a kind of perversion of self-love. Humans replace their basic trust in God with the illusion of having infinite control. In other words, narcissism is a sin of pride. It distorts trust, ultimately leaving people controlled by worldly matters rather than receiving the life-sustaining power given by God.

　　This loss of trust in God had harmful effects on the first person in the world: humanity’s original selfhood became distorted. When we prioritize ourselves over God, we will develop excessive self-love and become distorted. When people turn away from God and become overly focused on themselves, their personhood becomes distorted and alienated. Human fallenness brings about our unnatural narcissistic disturbance. Such narcissistic disturbance imprisons the entire person within itself and orbits around itself, filling the person with dread-laden anxiety, constantly wearing on itself. Narcissism causes people to lose not only their selfhood but also their humanness, sacrificing their relationships with others.

　　If we accept Pannenberg’s view, narcissism is not our natural state but a feature of fallen humanity. Narcissism, therefore, is an unnatural state caused by the Fall, alienating people from God, themselves, and others.

Ordered Self-Love

　　Does this mean we should not love ourselves then?

　　Augustine (354-430) believed that humans could have proper self-love without being selfish. The Bible also mentions this kind of self-love, which forms the foundation of the commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 22:39; Lk 10:27). This is a form of normal, healthy self-love, which is both a legitimate inner need worth fulfilling and a driving force for healthy relationships.

　　From a theological perspective, true self-love is moral and sincere. Living out the true self requires rigorous honesty, which can only be achieved with the help of others. Being honest with others and accepting their views of ourselves can be a thought-provoking experience.

　　True self-love is also spiritual; it is part of the reality of human relationships ordained by God in creation. True self-love exists within a divine order that calls for people’s efforts to return to God. As Augustine declared: “… you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is unquiet until it rests in you.” Augustine advocated for ordered love. True self-love can only be “set in order” by virtue of redemption in Jesus Christ and God’s design in creation. Only when people establish a proper relationship with God and accept His love can love find its appropriate order. People must seek true love and avoid distorted love.

　　Self-love is an affirmation of oneself. To affirm oneself, one must listen to oneself in the Spirit, recognizing one’s own limitations and distinguishing between real and false boundaries. In this process of self-examination, we may come to see how foolish and arrogant we have been, and how ignorant we are before God. We must seek God’s grace so that we may view ourselves soberly, not only caring for ourselves but also rising to care for others.

Transformation in Christ

　　In Galatians 5:16-17, Paul says: “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.” What Paul means is that each Christian has two centres in their lives: one is the new life given by the Spirit and the other is the old life of the flesh. These two kinds of life are in constant conflict: the desires of the flesh oppose the Spirit, and the Spirit opposes the flesh. In this battle, people often feel defeated, unable to do the good they wish to do.

　　Paul points out that our only hope is the cross. Paul declares that followers of Christ voluntarily crucify “the flesh with its passions and desires” (5:24). As a result of this, Christ lives within them (Gal 2:19-20). Thus, we can say that the self is transformed through being reborn in Jesus Christ. By virtue of a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, we become fully human, as He did, by being propelled into our destiny of restoration to the image of God.

　　Through the restoration of the image of God within ourselves, we become fully human. This means that individuals can be rescued from the mire of narcissism and become fully human. In other words, humanity is healed of narcissism through Jesus Christ. By accepting Jesus Christ’s invitation to reconcile with God and receive His supernatural help, distorted narcissism is resolved, true humanity is restored, and people become new creations as designed by God. Only in this way can people truly become authentic humans, freed from the fate of self-destruction. This is a lifelong process of growth, gradually restoring this rediscovered humanity. It is a gift and grace from God.

^* Libido not only refers to sexual desire but also to pleasuring love that is not erotic. Libido may also generally refer to the energy source for all human psychic and behavioral activities..

Feb 2025