Rekindle My First Aspiration

Finding the Meaning of Life

　　I was born into a family that practiced Chinese folk beliefs, and ever since I was a child, my family had established a spiritual kinship (shangqi) between me and the god of the earth (Tudi Gong). My parents were very strict, and as a result, I was short-tempered and had low self-esteem during my primary school years. I did a lot of bad things, such as running away from home, smoking, drinking, swearing, self-harming, and bullying my classmates: in the eyes of my teachers, I was a problem child. In Primary 5 and 6, I often asked myself, “What is the point of living?” I figured that no matter how successful I may be in the future, or even if I become the richest man in the world, I will not be able to take anything with me when I die. I even thought I could not choose how I came to this world, but I could decide when to leave.

　　I am so thankful that when I progressed to secondary school, I enrolled in the Macau Baptist College and learned about the Gospel through the weekly assembly. Through my faith, I experienced a remarkable change in my life. I recognized Jesus as my Savior and gradually realized my God-given values, so I no longer found life meaningless. I went from a problem teenager to a committee member of the youth fellowship at the church. I even made peace with those I bullied when I was a kid. The unfulfilled emotional needs from my family life were filled by God through different people and things. I learned to accept compliments and to share my worries with God through prayer. I have experienced many graces in my secondary school and university years, and in recent years, I have become a teacher who promotes moral education. Every time I look back, I can only marvel at God’s work in my life, making me always want to respond to God’s love and better serve Him.

From Being Fervent to Weary

　　During my secondary school and university years, I became more and more passionate about serving God, from serving as a fellowship committee member to a fellowship mentor pastoring a group of young people. I have been in various positions in the worship service at different times. After graduating from university and returning to Macau, I developed an immense interest in Bible study through fellowship meetings, personal Bible readings, and preparation for Sunday school. I wanted to spend more time studying the Bible every day. As I studied the Bible, I was inspired to enter a seminary, hoping to know God and study the Bible more deeply.

　　However, when I had this idea, I experienced a difficult breakup. I thought God was telling me to stop, so I put aside my plan to enter a seminary and instead pursued a master’s degree in education. I then served in the church as usual and continued with my work. Three years went by and I became more and more tired of my life due to frustrations in both my job and my service in the church. Such weariness even spread to the youth ministry and Bible teaching work which I had always been so passionate about. Instead of getting more and more fervent in my service, I became increasingly tired of it. When my faith hit rock bottom, I asked God, “Do You really exist in my life? Is the grace that I have experienced in the past just a rare coincidence?” At that moment I wanted to deny all the grace God had given me over the years.

Awakening at Rock Bottom

　　The turning point came on the evening of March 19, 2024, when I listened to a hymn I had never heard before called “For Thy Kingdom and Thy Name.” The hymn brought back memories of my eagerness to enter a seminary. The lyrics went like this:

All the gold and silver in the world
And all the delights that this world can offer
I would lay them down, but to follow You
To answer Your glorious call

After listening to this hymn, I suddenly saw the light. I was so tired of life that I went to work every day just waiting for the end of the day, and I didn’t even want to go to church; this was because I was running away from the problem that I already had at the time when I first became a Christian: one cannot take along anything in this world when one dies. No matter how hard I work, and how much fame and fortune I have, I cannot take anything with me when I die. No matter how many lives are changed by my instruction and counseling, what is the meaning if their souls are lost? What is most important is saving people’s souls!

　　I realized that my tiredness stemmed from compromising with the world and forgetting God’s call. Deep down inside, I had always longed for success, to be recognized and admired by my family, relatives, friends, and everyone else. In fact, I had been pondering: Is it more glamorous to be a teacher, a dean, or a preacher? Is it more honorable to study education or theology?

　　I thank God for reminding me through this hymn not to forget and not to let go of His calling. I made up my mind right away to dedicate myself to the Lord, to study theology, and to be equipped for the Lord’s use! At the moment I made the decision, I felt a profound sense of peace that I had never felt before in my life.

　　Glory and praise be to the Triune God!