Here Am I. Trample Me!

Suffer for Doing Right?!

　　I have attended a Christian primary school ever since I was a small child. I even joined the Girls’ Brigade when I was in Primary Three. Since then, Christ has gradually become an important part of my life. I started to learn more about God’s Words, and grew more eager to stick to heavenly values, because I want to become God’s daughter who is pleasing to Him. Therefore, I am intolerant of acts of injustice. However, I ended up being ostracized by everyone in my class in Primary Six because I would tell on my classmates for their bad behavior. I felt extremely lonely every second in the classroom, and I was left out of all the group activities. I pointed my finger at God with teary eyes every day, and was perplexed why God took my friends away from me while I was doing the right thing. However, I did insist on believing in His existence with a pure heart and still attended church regularly.

　　When I got into secondary school, I was no longer lonely in the new environment, but my past had distorted my personality. I began to hide my feelings and became sensitive, as the negative emotions I experienced in Primary Six kept haunting me. I started to detest my own feelings and became more apathetic and sarcastic.

Uniquely Created in God’s Love

　　By senior high, I was confused about what my strengths and goals in life were. In my despair, I asked God, “As You created me, please tell me what is valuable and unique about me.” God answered me in a surprising way and let me see my values assuring me that I am being loved.

　　In high school, I did extraordinarily well in science subjects, but I often struggled to pass in liberal arts subjects. To remedy my situation, one of my teachers encouraged me to take part in a “Poetry Writing Class.” I was extremely disappointed when the class first began because we were immediately required to write a poem. I could not imagine how someone with as little vocabulary as I had would actually be able to write a poem on my own. Reluctantly I still managed to hand in a poem. In the second lesson, I was in total shock when the teacher showed my poem on the projector. He said that it was one of the poems he liked because it was full of emotional power. I almost felt like I was being appreciated for the first time ever. That was how God responded to me. It dawned on me how unique and beautiful my emotions were. I was special in my own way and was a creation full of His love. Why should I still want to look tough on the outside? He even values the part of me that I myself despised. He never ever left me alone. He still loved me even though I blamed Him and lost faith in Him. With such love, I could only respond with faith and gratefulness. Thank God for letting me see how valuable I was, helping me find my true self and coming across His love!

Serving Those Suffering from Injustice

　　God also showed me how much His lost sheep who regularly experience injustice in this world needed to know Jesus. I majored in Cultural Studies in university and was prompted to explore what kind of people were living within my own community. Then I discovered that in To Kwa Wan where I live, there are ethnic minorities and refugees who are my neighbors. I felt sorry when I heard their stories and needs. How could they be marginalized by our society and even become sojourners? I was deeply moved and knew I had to serve them. I tried to visit them regularly, offering concrete help for their various needs, and even learned Urdu in order to serve my neighbors better. As my feelings grew stronger for them, God led me into becoming wholeheartedly committed to this particular community suffering from social injustice. He called me to show them how worthy of love they really are with my own life and testimony, and to close the gaps between them and the general public so that our society would acknowledge them.

Here Am I. Trample Me!

　　I took part in a worship in May, 2018. The worship leader asked the congregation whether there were any intimate messages between God and you that you simply could not forget. “Here am I. Send me!” just popped into my head in that instant, and I knew that it was the verse that God has written on my heart. It is this verse I have kept in my heart since I was young. It is a verse that I will never forget.

　　When the worship leader asked us to recall how the message was received, tears started rolling down my face. The first time I ever heard this verse was when we had to learn this verse by heart for a Bible lesson in primary school. I stood on a chair in the dining room at home, yelling “Here am I. Trample (a similar-sounding word for “send” in Cantonese) me!” while jumping down to the ground, and repeatedly doing so a dozen times. Looking back now, I find a deeper meaning in the whole scenario! What I did was jumping down from my own throne, and asked God to trample me so that He could take my throne and be my King! I have been declaring, “Please sit on my throne and be my King! Send me!” since I was little. This verse engraved on my heart urges me to keep praying to God and I know that the Holy Spirit keeps on encouraging me.

Seeing a Vision

　　I knew it was the work of the Holy Spirit which made me feel committed to serve those living under injustice. I desire to be sent by God, but how would God want to use me? As far as I understood, the most significant relationship between God and me is that of Lord and servant; therefore, I hope that each step I take forward is according to His expectations. God concretely answered my question during another worship service.

　　As a Baptist, I have never really expected to see visions or speak in tongues. But I saw a vision for the very first time in my life on that occasion. I saw myself kneeling before God in a holy temple. He asked me whom He could send. Then He pointed to a place with black mountains all around where He wanted to send me. The vision seemed to last for some time with many scenarios. All along God was with me, and He accepted all my weaknesses! I was afraid of being incapable, faithless, and unfruitful; but He still wanted to use me and even comforted me. I knew He was calling me.

Ask for Another Sign?

　　However, I had so little faith that I was afraid that the vision was mine and not of His will. I talked to my pastor at church, and she suggested that I might ask for another sign if I was not certain. But deep down I defied the thought of asking for another sign. “Another?” Right then, I realized that I knew very well in my heart that God has already given me that vision as a sign, but I had just refused to believe. Recalling that vision once again, I gave in and accepted the fact that the vision is what God has specifically shown me, just like Isaiah, when called by God, being the only one to be able to see the vision (Is 6:1-13). I knew I was the only one kneeling before His throne in the vision the moment He asked, “Whom shall I send?” I was uniquely chosen then. I knew I had to believe! I had to!

　　The next morning, I went to the seaside and sincerely prayed to commit myself to Him. I read another verse as I finished praying. “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Heb 11:1). God then gave me another boost! All I lack was faith, and when I surrendered to Him, that faith was the assurance. There was no need to doubt or ask for more signs, as I could no longer question whether He really called me to serve Him. I hope I can use my whole life to serve God, and to bring light into the lands of darkness. I wish to become a humble and good servant after His own heart.