Please Teach Me to Hear Your Voice

Longing to See God with a Pure Heart

　　In the last lesson of the course “Pastoral Leadership and Ministry,” the teachers asked us what kind of pastor we wanted to become after graduation. At that time, I replied by intuition, “One who’s the pure in heart.” “Pure,” to me, is a state in which I can stand before God sincerely and with transparency of the heart. I expect this kind of purity to reveal the self-deceit and self-pity in my heart so that I can see God and His work more clearly. Truly, I long for nothing more than seeing God and His work. I am eager to become that pure in heart.

Struggling Hard in Reality

　　Having said that, more often than not, I did not stand before God uncovered. Instead, I hid and ran away from Him. On various occasions in the past three years of studying and living at HKBTS, we shared the shock and reflections brought about by such experiences as separation, death, alienation, and other turbulence. We also realized how each day could be strange and unpredictable. Facing the absurdities that took place every day and going through pain, resistance, doubts and helplessness, we had a feeling of powerlessness, which was comparable to that of sailing against the current.

　　For this reason, I always expected to gain control of my own heart and life, doing my best to avoid further loss of control and confusion in my heart or in reality. Despite knowing clearly the limitations in my own abilities, I still pressed myself to make the best endeavor to understand exactly what was actually happening and explain reality, and to ponder over everything thoroughly. I expected all the biblical and theological knowledge that I learned to apply to all situations, and so I studied, reflected, prayed and pastored with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind and with all my strength, just to be faithful to the Lord. However, such faithfulness, which took much of my strength, turned out to be a shackle. Under such pressure, which I felt I was outpacing my own growth, always confronting my own shallowness, stupidity, and naivety. That said, I still wanted to cover up this side of myself through self-deception so as to avoid getting hurt. Sadly, I still lived with the bitterness of my struggles and felt self-pity. Failing as such, I was deeply afraid that I would defy God’s calling. I was so ashamed that I could not stand before God at all. How could I stop hiding and running away from Him?

The Savior Opened a Way

　　My way out was to go back to the meaning of the word “pure” in Matthews 5:8. The word “pure” (καθαροὶ) in “the pure in heart” refers to the deliverance of humans from guilt and their regaining freedom, hence getting restored physically and spiritually. The “pure” here refers not to a situation or state which can only be reached with a forged effort, but to living and staying rooted in a relationship restored by God and closely drawn together to Him; it is not a forced process of tearing down and rebuilding on one’s own, but a road leading to God, our Father, which is prepared by the incarnate Christ. Through Christ’s condemnation and death, the Lord has saved us from our own failures. According to the Gospel of Mark, on the morning of Christ’s resurrection, He still expected to meet the disciples, who had become utter failures, in Galilee again, and expected them to resume the journey toward dying for the Lord, which would testify for God’s glory by denying themselves.

　　Living before God sincerely and with transparency of the heart, I realized, is not relying on our own alertness and ability to reveal falsehoods or to control the changes in life, but on our discovery that darkness had nowhere to hide in front of the Lord who shines like a bright light. In amazement, I realized that the Word of God is “alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account” (Heb 4:12-13). I thank the Lord for letting me see how arrogant I have been, to such an extent that I wanted to punish myself on behalf of the true Word, offending Him in such a hypocritical and disrespectful attitude. Even so, the Lord saved me and delivered me from the cycle of self-condemnation, helping me to review all the restlessness in my heart in a peaceful way. He helped me to listen to His voice, learn to wait for, listen to, submit to and securely trust Him with a single mind. In this way, the verse with the words “the pure in heart” has guided me to enter the Lord’s rest by leaning on and trusting in Him, so that I may witness His work.

Hearing His Voice in a Community

　　We hear God’s voice not only in solitude but also in a community. I am thankful that there are teachers at HKBTS who knew me well and always encouraged me to “be courageous in accepting grace” when I got lost to such an extent that I could not save myself. I also thank God for letting me discover myself at ease in the disciple community of HKBTS, admit my own weaknesses and experience the reconciling power of the gospel with my partners. All these experiences are precious. We kept each other company and focused on one another in the community, experiencing the presence of Christ together, and allowing the voices of God and our partners to echo with one another. We not only found guidance for ourselves, but also watched and witnessed God’s own wonderful and awesome deeds with our partners in the process.