How Can I Still “Leave Him on Read”?

Jade and her husband Kwai-ho

　　Since primary school, I have had many opportunities to learn about Christianity. I, however, refused those chances because of different reasons and excuses. It wasn’t until I joined the workforce that I accepted Christ in a Christmas evangelical meeting. In the past, I was only concerned with earning money and material possessions; and I liked seeking the attention and love of others. After I believed in Christ, God changed me. He took away my materialistic desire, and taught me to be contented and give thanks for everything. I ceased asking for others’ recognition and compliments. God also taught me to love people around me unconditionally.

The Struggles between Desire and Worry

　　After I accepted Christ, the thought of pursuing theological studies came to my mind constantly. The longer I taught in the Sunday schools of my church and the more advanced classes that I taught, the more I found my limitations in biblical knowledge and teaching ability. Nevertheless, my plan to study theology remained a mere “plan.” It was because I thought the cost of studying theology was huge, and I knew that my husband would give me neither consent nor support.

　　In the Hong Kong Bible Conference 2018, the speaker’s sermon deeply touched me; I was strongly moved, and desired to study theology so as to equip myself further. When the speaker summoned those who have the will to serve in full-time ministry to come out in front of the stage, I stood up, but then I tried hard to control myself and convince myself to stay calm. In the end, I did not respond and sat back in my seat.

　　In mid-2020, I prepared to resume a full-time job. Thus I planned to take a specialist course to enhance my working profile. I suddenly realized that I could spend tens of thousands of dollars on further studies without hesitation. A strong sense of guilt overwhelmed me: I often pray about how I am willing to offer everything to God, but in reality I am incredibly stingy to God. I felt ashamed of myself. So I decided to postpone my initial plan and applied for a part-time Old Testament Studies program. I even enrolled in all thirteen courses at one time lest I would change my mind.

Returning to My Original Aspiration with God’s Graceful Word

　　I wished to study at the seminary and serve in full-time ministry, but my husband was clearly against this. One day, unexpectedly, my husband told me that his supervisor and a long-time friend would resign soon and attend a full-time theology program. When he talked about this, he seemed to admire his supervisor’s choice. His positive reaction implied that I was one step closer to “success.”

　　On the Sunday before I officially commenced my new job, my pastor in worship preached about Jesus appearing to His disciples by the Sea of Tiberias after His resurrection (Jn 21:17-22). I struggled a lot the next day after work, and his messages sprang to mind again and again: “return to their old job,” “get nothing,” “do you love me?,” “feed my lambs”… . Next week, the Sunday worship message was about fishing again (Lk 5:1-11); this time, it was about Jesus calling His disciples. Furthermore, the message also mentioned “get nothing,” but what touched me most was the two words “original aspiration.” After prayers, I told my husband that I wanted to study at a seminary and serve in full-time ministry. After he asked me some questions seriously, he agreed with my decision and even promised to support me. I felt moved and grateful; God’s work was truly amazing. And there was more abundant grace to come: God solved my tuition fee problem, which I worried about most, in different ways.

Breakthrough My Limitations with Christ’s Love

　　I am an introvert; thus, I resisted pastoral work and only wanted to focus on biblical studies and teaching. I thought I could still serve in hospitals, Christian publishers or organizations—anywhere other than pastor work in churches. Nevertheless, my pastor asked me with a gentle yet severe tone to rethink why I prefer to study Bible. Amongst the various reasons, I thought the most important one was God’s great love: even though I was so unworthy, God has never abandoned me from start to finish. Indeed, without God’s great love and grace, I would be still living in sin, working without purpose and “getting nothing.” God loves me and waited for my repentance and growth, and He even wills to call such weak and humble persons like me; how can I still “leave Him on read” ^*?

　　The word of God is not only for “study”; God wants us to be His disciples and to live out His words. God knows my weakness and needs clearly; thus over the past year, He was shaping and leading me, and He built up the faith of my husband and me bit by bit.

　　By studying the Book of Joshua in the Hong Kong Bible Conference last year, I was again encouraged and comforted by God’s message. The path of studying and serving ahead may be challenging, but I believe that “I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Phil 4:13).

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^* “Leave…on read” is a slang which means to have read a sender’s message but not responded to it.