Love, I Am Willing

　　For me, studying theology was never a question of “Why?” but rather of “Why not?” Previously, my answer to this was reluctance due to not wanting to bear a lifetime of responsibility and love for others’ lives. I’ve seen many people carrying lives full of deep wounds, despite their mature age and seemingly peaceful exterior. That I could grow felt gracious and miraculous, and to take on the role of fostering growth and abundance in others’ lives alongside my own would feel like a challenging endeavor—a responsibility that I imagined would be somewhat overwhelming and burdensome to bear.

Finding My Calling: Starting with Self-Understanding

　　However, God has been patiently molding me, teaching me to understand myself before understanding self-sacrifice. At the end of 2021, overwhelmed by various ministries, interests, and work, I read about the Enneagram and recognized my weaknesses and sinful nature. Another book, Answering His Call, opened my eyes. I realized God only wanted me to worship Him like a child. I could do anything in terms of service and interests, but if it didn’t bring me closer to God or joy in serving, it was okay to let go. This led me to a deeper understanding of freedom, service, and self-sacrifice in faith.

　　From that point on, I prayed for clarity in my calling: if speech therapy was my calling from God, then let me see its significance and be moved by it. But after five years of study and three years of work, I increasingly felt powerless and unsatisfied. It was true that many of the patients had physical ailments, but the fundamental issue was their lack of will to live and communicate. I realized that life’s abundance doesn’t lie in whether a patient can utter a few Chinese words after training, but whether they know God before their days decline. Work didn’t move me; instead, I was touched by reading spiritual books, studying the Bible, and preparing messages for youth worship. I wanted to share my experiences of God with others. During my reflection on the messages of different books, God kept asking me if I was doing meaningful work. The deep-seated dissatisfaction I felt told me that I wasn’t just seeking new interests, knowledge, or environments, but something more meaningful and burdensome God had placed in my heart.

The Weight of “Here I Am”

　　In 2022, my 97-year-old granduncle contracted COVID-19, and we could only say goodbye to him through a video call. Facing my granduncle with his eyes closed and wearing a breathing mask, all words seemed inadequate. While I tried to have a typical everyday conversation with my granduncle, my grandfather just repeatedly said to him, “Hey! My second brother, here I am. I can see you!” I couldn’t understand why he responded in that way. Months later, I attended a seminar on a TV drama. In the drama, a character shouts “Here I am!” to a friend about to be executed, as a way of accompanying and supporting him. This scene gave me insight into my grandfather’s act and made me realize the weight and eagerness of the prophet’s response to God in the Bible, “Here I am” (Is 6:8)—to walk with his generation to the end and witness God, no matter how bad the world was.

Willing to Love and Shoulder Lives

　　Over the past year or so, with the departure of our fellowship group’s preacher, I took more initiative to meet and share more with group members at meals and spent more time caring for others’ lives. I gradually realized that walking with others wasn’t as heavy and difficult as I had thought. Everyone has problems, but such situations allow us to see the blessings of companionship and God’s guidance. Surprisingly, when a friend brought up the topic of studying theology again, I didn’t feel the initial resistance. Instead, I felt moved and commissioned to study theology and step into full-time ministry. When I was willing to love, it was the moment to take up the study. Subsequent spiritual devotions and conversations with preachers confirmed this.

　　Looking back, there wasn’t any dramatic event that led me to step into full-time ministry. Instead, it was the result of God’s step-by-step guidance: He let me understand myself and then understand self-sacrifice; He let me understand the true meaning of service, think about my calling, and see the preciousness of walking together, feeling the impact of “Here I am.” When asked again “Why not study theology?” I answered: such timely guidance, leading, and calling must be from God. A few days later, I decided to enroll in theological studies. As in marriage or baptism, when you can say “I do” in vows, it’s time to commit. No more consideration was needed. Facing God’s call, in the days ahead, I wish to say, “I do, with God’s help.” May I testify to God’s great love with my entire life, under His guidance.